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We often hear how hard it is for caregivers and seniors to deal with the idea of an adult child “parenting” his or her aging parent. The notion of child-parent role reversal has taken on a life of its own and it is now common that a daughter or son will start becoming a parent to his or her parent. Many adult children, called the Sandwich Generation, experience this change while also raising their own children or caring for their grandchildren.

As adults, our journey has been to separate from our parents and become individuals. As parents age and become dependent, the changes in roles can be stressful, frustrating and demanding. When adult children become caregivers to their parents, it can become confusing and painful. The challenge is how to take care of our parents and ourselves. Setting boundaries with family members is difficult. At times responsibilities will force individuals to become multiple versions of themselves: infant, child and parent.

In addition, parents have feelings during this aging process and these realities need to be acknowledged. For some families years of miscommunication, unspoken feelings, and issues of control can complicate the situation.

 

The following are nine helpful tips on Being a Caregiver to Your Parent, written by Jennifer Sellers in “How Stuff Works“

1. Respect your parent’s experience and knowledge. 
   • When you become like a parent to your own parent, it’s easy to infantile him or her. Remember that your mom or dad’s failing health doesn’t negate his or her lifetime of know-how.
2. Let your parent continue pursuing areas of interest.
   • Unless your parent’s interest is something like bull riding or base-jumping, you can probably find ways to help him or her stay connected to past pursuits. For instance, if your mother was an art lover, take her on excursions to art museums. Or, if she’s bed-bound, buy her a new art book.
3. Allow your parent to participate. 
   • Make sure he or she still has the opportunity to lend advice or connect with others. One way you can do this is to help your mom or dad select gifts to give out during the holidays. Even if he or she is housebound, this helps him or her remain a part of family traditions.
4. Seek out independence aids. 
   • No one wants to lose autonomy. While there are some things your parents may no longer be able to do, make sure they are able to accomplish as many things as possible on their own by providing products designed to make day-to-day tasks accessible.
5. Make sure your parents’ living area is safe and accessible. 
   • This can include simple things like ensuring hallway lighting fixtures have working bulbs or removing trip-and-fall-hazards, like throw rugs.
6. Abide by your commitments. 
   • It’s not healthy for you to be at anyone’s beck and call, but when it comes to your mom or dad, be sure to honor your promises and let him or her know what can be expected from you — and when it can be expected.
7. Visit often. 
   • Loneliness can worsen a person’s physical and emotional states. Make sure you spend plenty of time just visiting with your parent. Encourage others, like your siblings or your parents’ friends, to stop by as well.
8. Be a health care advocate for your mom or dad. 
   • Go with your parent on doctor visits so that you can ask questions and record important information. If you are not able to, go hire a health care professional to perform this role. Make sure your mom or dad is following the medication dosage schedule prescribed by his or her physician.
9. Know where your parent stands financially and legally. 
   • It’s important to know details of your parent’s accounts, such as whether or not they have long-term care insurance, an advance health care directive, which lawyer holds a copy of their will, and whether or not their monthly bills are being paid on time.

 

Being part of the sandwich generation is difficult.  Competing demands on your time can be stressful and hard to manage.  Having to care for an aging parent while still working and having a family of your own at home may feel overwhelming at times. By focusing on the positive, staying organized, and encouraging independence, it will help everyone to do better. Lastly, remember to take care of you! It can be easy to forget to do that when you are taking care of others. Make time each day, even if it’s just ten minutes, to do something that makes you happy; call a friend, pick up a book, have a soak in the tub. A happy you will lead to better relationships with all.