Dementia is not a disease.  It is a term that describes symptoms which may be caused by brain disorders.  These symptoms can disrupt daily life…your ability to plan, reason, solve problems and focus on tasks, among other things.  When you have a parent struggling with dementia, it can take a toll.

Mom and Aminata

It’s 8:00 am; a hazy, chilly February morning. My phone rings through to mom’s home…two, five, six rings. Mom lives alone now since Dad passed 2 years ago.  I call her every morning – the daughter alarm clock — to wake her up, make sure she takes her medication on an empty stomach and well, to check on her.  Mom can’t figure out how to set a clock any more.  The last time she tried – thought she could do it – the buzzer started screeching at midnight, and she called me to help.  I walked her through unplugging the thing. And now I call every day at 8:00 am right before her caregiver, Aminata, comes for the day.  Aminata is a caregiver from our own Caring Friends Home Care and has successfully passed the AlzBetter training and quality credentialing process.

Nine rings and mom answers the phone.  I remind her that Aminata will be arriving soon.

Aminata has been taking care of Mom for a year now, but Mom is anxious.  Every day she wakes up with the racing thought that she is late to where she needs to be.  To work, to a doctor appointment, volunteering at school…that’s the dementia.  She panics.  She doesn’t know where she needs to go or how to get there. Yet she has this intense feeling that she is late, lost her list, can’t find the car keys, even though she hasn’t driven in 5 years.

“Why don’t I know?”

She cries into the phone, “Is Aminata going to get me to work on time?  “Will she know where the doctor office is?”  “What if it rains or snows?” “Why don’t I know where I am supposed to go?”

I reply: “It’s ok, mom.  Aminata knows what to do.”

I’m sort of used to it now.  If it is possible to ever get used to it.  This mom and her personality is not the one that raised me. My mom worked for 25 years as an Executive Secretary for a pharmaceutical company. She organized, administrated and structured the work days for five Medical Directors who were instrumental in pioneering clinical trials for cancer research.  My mom was buttoned up, smart as a whip, poised and confident. My mom ran the household.  Mom and Dad were married for 55 years and raised three successful, well-adjusted children — if I do say so myself.

Every day, I calmly remind mom she is ok.  I loved her then and love her now, and I always will.  I tell her that she is not late for work, an appointment or missing her keys.  I don’t tell her that what she is really losing is her memory — that she knows.

“Why can’t I remember?”

Almost every morning my mom asks me: “Did I eat breakfast?”, “Did I take my pills?”   I reassure her that Aminata will make her eggs the way she likes them, that the Caring Friends’ nurse filled her pill box and Aminata will remind her when to take the medication.

We signed mom up right away when Caring Friends Home Care started their new Medication Management Program.   Through the Program, a licensed nurse visits mom at home twice a month to fill her pill box, help manage her medications as a liaison to her physician’s office and even take her blood pressure.  It is a real help to all of us knowing that a nurse is checking in on mom regularly.

And almost every morning, mom asks “Why can’t I remember?  “Why do I think I have to be somewhere when I don’t?” She gets so sad when she sort of realizes her confusion and jumbled thinking.  Sometimes she cries.  I wish I could tell mom that her memory will come back, but I know it won’t. That’s a struggle of dementia.

A Little About Alzheimer’s

Many things change as we age.  In the normal aging process, our bodies and brains slow down. Intelligence usually remains the same.  We are less physically and mentally flexible and it takes longer to process information.  It is common to have more difficulty remembering names of people and places.

Beyond the normal aging process, however, are other brain disorders like Alzheimer’s.  Alzheimer’s is a disease that damages brain cells.  It can be slow and progressive and mostly strikes people over 65 years old.  Over time, people with Alzheimer’s exhibit forgetfulness severe enough to affect their work, hobbies, social and family life.  Other symptoms may include mood changes, misplacing things, trouble organizing thoughts, rambling on or repeating speech, becoming lost or disoriented in familiar places. There is currently no cure for this type of dementia, but treatments can be helpful if Alzheimer’s is identified early.

So what I can do is call mom and reassure her that I care about her and we love her. I try to help her day-to-day to sort through things.  And I hold real peace of mind knowing that even though I can’t be home caring for her, she is in good hands with Aminata and Caring Friends Home Care.

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Blog Contributor:

Lynne Phillips, LPN, joined Caring Friends Home Care in May of 2015 as Direct Care Worker Supervisor.  Caring Friends Home Care is one of the companies in the Friends Life Care Partners family.  Lynne was promoted to Executive Director of Caring Friends Home Care in recognition of her contribution to the business in early 2017. She oversees all clinical operations and administrative activities. Lynne also provides sales and marketing leadership to Caring Friends Home Care and Intervention Associates putting efforts in place to create greater awareness of the brands and reach more clients to serve.

Lynne is a licensed nurse with over 20 years’ experience in independent living, assisted living, skilled nursing, dementia, managed care and acute care. Throughout the years, she has successfully instructed, coached and motivated direct care workers resulting in increased job satisfaction and excellence in the care they provide.  She writes from her heart and clearly shows her commitment to the health and well-being of others.