Something strange often happens as we age: our adult children start to act less like our children and more like our parents. Even though these adult children love their parents and just want to keep them safe, many seniors worry that they are “burdening” their adult children.

One of the best ways to avoid “burdening” your children is to give them all the information they need to help you through the aging process. Every situation is unique, but there are some topics that just about every parent should discuss with their adult children.

Although this article uses the term “children,” the information applies to trusted friends, family members, or professionals you choose to be involved in your health and financial matters.

Living Plans

Talk to your children about where you want to live as you age. Do you want to stay in your own home? Move in with a family member? Venture to an assisted living community? Now is the time to tell your children what you want and expect, and for them to tell you if and how they will be able to help you. If there are disagreements, work together to come up with a plan that is acceptable to everyone.

A few points to consider:

• If you want to remain at home as you age, consider asking your children to help you make it safe and accessible (e.g., install grab bars in showers, secure loose area rugs, etc.).

• Can you afford to hire someone to help with household chores and activities of daily living? If you are financially secure, reassure your children that you will be able to pay for the care you will need. If you aren’t sure if you can afford outside help, your children may be able to help you figure it out.

• If you want to live with one of your children, open, honest communication is crucial. Do they need to make changes/improvements to make their home more accessible? Do they travel frequently for work (or for pleasure)? If they will often be away from home, they might not be in a position to care for you.

• You probably love all your children, but are you sure you can actually LIVE with them? Consider any potential personality conflicts between you, your children, and/or their partners.

• If you want to move to an assisted living community, do you want to stay close to your current home, or would it make more sense to move closer to one of your children? If you want to live near one of your children, ask them if they’d like to help you choose a community.

 Health and Medical Issues

Talk to your adult children about any family history that increases their own risk for any medical problems. While you may not feel comfortable sharing every detail of your medical history with your children, there are a few key topics to discuss:

• What medications (prescription and over the counter) do you take? Which doctor prescribes each medication?

• Do you have any allergies?

• Which pharmacy (or pharmacies) do you use?

• Who is your primary care physician?

• Do you see any specialists for specific health conditions?

• If you need to go to the hospital, which hospital do you want to use? Check with your doctors to see if they are connected to any of the hospitals in your area.

• Do you want to allow your doctors to speak with any of your children? You’ll need to sign individual release forms (e.g., HIPAA) for all the doctors you see, and let your children know whether they can be involved in your medical care.

• Make a list of the names and phone numbers of your pharmacies, health insurance companies, any healthcare providers you see, and the reason you are seeing them. Be as specific as you can (e.g., “Dr. Smith – cardiologist for atrial fibrillation” is a little better than “Dr. Smith – cardiologist for heart problem”). You can create a computerized document (including a copy of your insurance card) that you share with your family and update as needed.

 Advance Directives

Advance directives outline your wishes for medical treatment and end-of-life care. While it is important to share these documents with your doctors and any hospitals or facilities you visit, you should also talk to your family members about your wishes.

• Talk with your children about exactly which medical treatments you want (and don’t want) in different situations and encourage them to ask questions.

• Remember to tell your children if you update your advance directive or change your mind about treatments.

• You will need to choose someone to make your medical decisions if you are no longer able to do so. Have an open, honest conversation to ensure that the person you choose is willing to carry out your wishes, even if it will be hard for them.

 Wills

Make sure your children know where they can find your will and other important legal papers. If there is a crisis or emotional event, knowing where your documents are located can save your children from a lot of added stress.

Consider taking it to the next level: give your children a copy of your will and encourage them to ask questions about anything that isn’t clear. This can prevent disagreements down the road, especially if you have more than one child.

 Account and Password Information

These days, most of our banking, healthcare, credit cards, and utility accounts are managed online. To ensure that your children can manage these accounts if you are unable to do so:

• Share your account and password information with your children (or someone else that you trust).

• Use a password manager or a written list stored in a safe place to keep this information secure but accessible when needed.

 Insurance and Finances

Money can be a sensitive subject, but it is important to give your children at least a general idea about your savings, investments, debts, and whether you have long-term care insurance.

Important information to share:

• Make a list of the banks, financial institutions, and insurance companies you use.

• Discuss your health, home, disability, long-term-care, and life insurance policies with their children. This will help them to understand how much you can pay for your care in the future and to navigate claims in the event of illness, disability, or property damage.

• Share (or tell them where you keep) policy numbers, coverage details, and contact information for the insurance companies.

 Friends and Neighbors

Your children will be less anxious if they know they can call someone to check on you if they’re worried.

Important points:

• Give your children contact information for a couple of your neighbors and friends (and vice versa) so they can reach each other in case of emergency.

• Unfortunately, “friends” sometimes try to take advantage of older people so tell your children about any new friends, neighbors, or caregivers in your life.

 Final Wishes

As difficult as it may be, let your children know what you would like to happen after you pass away. Sharing your preferences will give your children guidance during a difficult time and allow them to honor your wishes.

Some things to consider:

• What type of service do you want?

• If there will be a formal service, whom do you want to lead it?

• Would you prefer burial or cremation?

• Do you have any specific requests for readings, music, or other parts of the service?

Some people pre-plan their own funerals or other services. If this is something you’ve done, tell your children where they can find the information.

A Few More Things

• Have these conversations sooner rather than later. Don’t wait for a crisis!
• While some of these conversations may be difficult or uncomfortable, talking about these issues will help you and your adult children feel better prepared for the future.
• If you have more than one child/family member, include everyone in these discussions. If you can’t all be in the same place, have a video meeting so everyone hears the same information at the same time. This will leave less room for disagreements and misunderstandings down the road.

Contributed by:

Dr. Carolyn Trend of Trend Health Advocacy.

As an independent health advocate, Dr. Trend draws on her professional and personal experience to help her clients navigate the healthcare system. She can explain complex issues in plain English, help you understand your health conditions and the treatments you are receiving, and enhance communication between you and your medical providers. Offering a range of services to help you and your loved ones navigate the healthcare system, Dr. Trend can be the doctor in your corner.