The day has finally come – your spouse just retired!  You love them dearly and they are used to running things, being the boss, and having staff take care of things as directed.

You retired a while ago or didn’t work outside the home, and you’ve created routines and a structure to your life that is fulfilling – managing the household, exercising, watching the grandkids, taking classes, serving on Boards, volunteering, belonging to organizations, socializing.

Suddenly, your partner is around ALL the time, is at a loss, and looks to you to fill in the gaps.  What do you do?

Many Facets of Retirement Planning

Retirement is one of the biggest changes in a couple’s life.  Thankfully, many couples plan for retirement financially, but many overlook planning for how they are going to spend their time meaningfully.  Initially, it’s easy to live in the bubble of relaxing, traveling, and enjoying freedom from schedules.

But when the honeymoon is over and boredom and doubt start to set in, it can become a breeding ground for conflict, confusion about one’s purpose and status, and even depression.

When Retirement Timing is Different

It can be especially challenging when retirement timelines are staggered within couples.  The spouse who is already retired has likely settled into a lifestyle that really works for him or her.

But interject your partner 24/7, and suddenly the rhythm changes for both of you.

So how do you make this adjustment as smooth as possible?  How do you open your arms and embrace your spouse’s presence without turning your life upside down?  How do you minimize conflict and maximize meaning and joy in this next chapter of your life together?

Makings For a Smooth Adjustment

The first step is to recognize that change is a process that takes time until a “new normal” is created.  With change comes uncertainty, and with uncertainty often comes fear and anxiety.  Why?  Because we are in unknown territory and according to neuroscience, our brains don’t like this.  Our brains like the status quo and want to protect us by sounding our internal alarms.

So, if you start to notice some unusual behaviors in your spouse (and yourself), it’s a very normal reaction to being in an unfamiliar place, e.g., at home during the day instead of at the office.  So, be patient and give your partner latitude and support while their ego may be delicate.

Multiple Dimensions of a Successful Retirement

Next, according to the Wheel of Successful Retirement, developed by Coaching for Resilience, there are eight dimensions to building out a successful retirement for you and your spouse.

To receive a free copy of the Wheel of Successful Retirement, email jan@coachingresilience.com.

Fully half of these dimensions tend to be overlooked when contemplating retirement, including purpose, support systems, relationships, and community engagement.

Up until now, many of these needs were met in the workplace and now the challenge is to replace them with other meaningful activities and connections.  With this in mind, let’s look at five ways to navigate these tricky waters to create smooth sailing ahead for your spouse and yourself.

Retirement: 5 Ways to Navigate Change in Your Lifestyle

1.Get Expectations in Alignment

A candid conversation about roles and responsibilities is a great starting point.  How will household responsibilities be shared now?  Is some “training” required?  How much time will you spend time together and apart?

The happiest couples make time for both, and having time for yourself is the determining factor in marital satisfaction according to the longest-running longitudinal study of marriage and divorce.    

2.Determine What You Are Going to Do

When your newly retired partner finishes that first round of clean-up projects but doesn’t have new goals to move on to, it’s easy to become disenchanted.  What have they always wanted to do?  How can they apply their skills and talents in new ways?  Where can they volunteer?

Having purpose and meaningful ways to contribute makes all the difference in life satisfaction, and having a reason to get out of bed in the morning is critical.  In fact, 80% of couples who volunteer together state their relationship is better because of it.

3.Develop New Routines

Having structure to your day creates a sense of “normalcy” and predictability.  Establish a shared routine such as waking up and going to bed at the same time, taking a walk together every evening, sharing who cooks dinner and who cleans up.

Get your “chores” done during the week and treat your weekends as weekends, with an emphasis on fun and relaxation.  Having shared routines will deepen your connection and stability during this time of change.

4.Keep And Make Connections

Developing and maintaining strong social relationships and creating a sense of community are some of the best things your partner can do for their physical and emotional health.  In studies of centenarians, it was found that social connections correlated more strongly to longevity than one’s genetic predispositions!

Keep connected with old friends, but be balanced when developing connections with new people, groups, and organizations.

Historically, women have stronger social networks than men so she can be a role model and encourage him to golf, join a walking group, play cards, watch sports, etc.

5.Schedule Date Nights

Having dedicated time each week just for the two of you keeps your relationship vital and helps normalize your lives during this major life change.  As couples age, touch becomes even more important, especially if sexual intimacy has declined.  We need to be touched throughout our lives – hold hands, hug, and show affection.  Affection is a key ingredient to happiness in later-life marriage.

During retirement, it is likely that you will spend more time with your spouse than ever.  As you adjust, reframe the challenges as opportunities.

Remember to laugh together, express gratitude that you have each other, be kind to one another, and vow to make this the best time of your lives together.

 

Contributed by:

Jan M. Zacharjasz, MS, PCC, CPC, ELI-MP, founder of Coaching for Resilience, is a Professional Certified Coach, workshop facilitator, and sought-after speaker on resilience.  She helps people in mid- to later life gain resilience through unexpected work, health, and family challenges so they can regroup, recover, and move forward with confidence and thrive again.  She has been recognized as a Top Life Coach by Coach Foundation.

During COVID, Jan created resilience skill-building workshops, delivering them to hundreds of individuals and workers nationwide to overcome isolation and burnout and build morale and connections.  Jan sees resilience as an antidote for managing the abundance of unexpected change that occurs in mid to later life.

She’s passionate about making resilience tangible and learnable for overcoming challenges of all kinds.  She uses simple, immediately usable practices so clients come away with relief, noticeable results, and healthy mindset shifts.

In addition, Jan provides life-purpose and energy assessments, is an advocate for positive aging, and serves on numerous Boards, including the Life Planning Network.  A proud member of the Sandwich Generation with caregiving responsibility for her mother and mother-in-law for over 20 years, Jan brings unmatched sensitivity, kindness, resourcefulness, and diligence to her clients.

For more information, visit www.coachingresilience.com.

 

Friends Life Care  posts on the eMeetinghouse blog. as another way to share health, wellness and prevention information with aging adults.  Friends Life Care is a mission-driven Quaker value based nonprofit that — for over 30 years — has been helping seniors — especially Friends Life Care members — to thrive at home as they age.  If you are not yet a Friends Life Care member, connect with us and get the answers you need from one of our Plan Counselors on the benefits of joining.  

Membership is open to people aged 40 – 85, in reasonably good health who are residents of southeastern Pennsylvania or Delaware.