We are all getting older every day. And every year brings another birthday and more candles on the cake.  There is no doubt about that. And considering the alternative, most of us are pleased that we get the opportunity to do so. While each new day is definitely a gift, there are also inevitable losses that come with the aging process.

For example, even though you have diligently exercised your entire life and feel to be in great shape, you most likely will be smoked by your twenty-something grandchild in a road race. This fact doesn’t diminish the great shape you are in.  It just goes to show that your body is no match for your decades-younger grandchild.

A “win” is continuing with your commitment to healthy living as you are aging even if you lose a little flexibility or speed. It is important for us to celebrate what we can do.

When the Losses Add Up

Generally, the first losses we notice are minor annoyances; things like needing reading glasses and being more forgetful. For many people, those are the first signs that age-related changes are occurring. These first changes generally don’t require much adaptation.

Then over time, we may notice that we have difficulty hearing and as a result, limit the number of social engagements we attend. Next, we may find ourselves looking forward to an afternoon nap after a walk that formerly would have been considered a short stroll. We make dinner and struggle to get the lid off the jar. We gradually find we stop going out at night because it’s too hard to see in the dark. Or we may even find we avoid going upstairs during the day because the stairs seem hard to maneuver.  And when did the bathtub get so high and challenging to step into? Eventually, we may get to the point where many of our friends have moved away or passed away, and our social life isn’t quite what it was.

As more and more of these experiences add up, we may begin to feel the loss of control and independence. This can manifest in feelings of sadness or frustration. Just as with most things in life, it’s not what happens to you, but what you tell yourself about what happens to you that determines your journey through the aging process.

This is an important way to turn losing into winning.  Learning to accept the inevitable changes as part of the normal tide of life results in much less suffering than fighting and cursing the changes at every turn.

The Path to Acceptance

That being said, it is normal to feel a wide variety of emotions on the path towards acceptance of age-related losses. Some of the possible emotions that may arise are fear of the loss of independence and of needing help from others.

Many of us find it much easier to help others than to accept help ourselves.

This is especially true if our self-image is of an independent person who enjoyed giving to others throughout life. One way to turn this around to a win is to remind yourself how much satisfaction you can receive from helping others.  By allowing others to help you, you are giving them the gift of experiencing that same satisfaction.

The Mask of Anger

Anger is another emotion that may arise when age-related losses appear. People experiencing anger can be extremely hard on their friends and family and may find that they alienate the people that they care the most about.

Anger is a secondary emotion and often masks the underlying discomfort a person has about changes that are occurring. Understanding this concept helps to explain the anger. And hopefully, it allows friends and family to develop compassion for the angry person, as well as for the angry person to develop it for him or herself.  Not understanding and using this concept can be a lose – lose.  Both you and your loved ones can turn that into a win by deciding to focus on acceptance, resilience, and positive change.

A Need to Adapt

We have been changing and evolving throughout our lives. With each change, we need to adapt to a new sense of who we are and how we see ourselves. For example, when we leave our parent’s home and begin to work, we shift our inner orientation from a dependent child to a responsible adult. Similar shifts come with marriage, parenthood, grandparenthood, retirement, divorce, remarriage, death of family members, etc.

Each change in our life circumstances causes us to redefine our sense of self. The same is true of the aging process.  If we continue to see ourselves as the high-level executive, top athlete, or busy mother that may have defined our younger years, we will suffer when our reality doesn’t match the experience of our current situation.

3 Phases of Life Transitions

According to William Bridges, author of Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes, each successful transition we go through in life requires 3 phases: an ending, a neutral zone often characterized by a period of confusion and distress, and a new winning beginning. Bridges writes that transitions are key times in a natural process of development and self-renewal.

Through understanding and accepting change is inevitable, we stop fighting the changes that are occurring and move peacefully into our next phase of life. By acknowledging the ending of the old way of being, we take the first steps to accepting our new way of life.

Coming to terms with the fact that her aching knees will no longer allow her to run is a challenging ending for a person who has seen herself as a runner all her life. Acknowledging that that activity will no longer be part of her identity frees her to discover what is next.

Although she will likely go through an uncomfortable period of distress while in the “neutral zone”, allowing herself the time to process the loss opens the way for blossoming of a new interest or hobby.

For example, she may discover that although she can no longer run, she still loves being out in nature. Her new slower pace may allow her to discover hiking, or bird watching. Her involvement in these activities could lead to new learning, new friends, and travel to places she may have never otherwise visited.

Even the aging person who is confined to their bed and has lost the ability to read their beloved books may find the peace and contentment that comes from sitting quietly, listening to audiobooks or podcasts, and being present and mindful to what is happening in the moment.

That is the Goal – Winning from Losing

The point is that every ending, even the ones that are unplanned or unwanted, have the potential to lead to our growth and development. If you are experiencing a loss, allow yourself to feel the sadness and disappointment, sit quietly not knowing what is coming next, and prepare yourself for the next great chapter that is unfolding.

About Friends Life Care

Friends Life Care is a Quaker values-based nonprofit that offers a Continuing Care at Home Program for aging adults. The program has a bundle of important services older adults need to age in place:

• Concierge Services for home, health, and life
• Care Coordination – an advocate by your side to help navigate through challenges the later years may bring
• Home assessments with recommendations to make your home aging in place ready
• Financial benefit to pay for care if and when you may need it
• Educational and informational events, content, and programming with a focus on holistic health and prevention: VigR® Vitality, Independence, Growth, Resilience™
• Short- or long-term in-Home Care provided by vetted caregivers with care cost savings passed along to members

 If you are not yet a member, contact us for more information at 215-628-8964 or email: info@flcpartners.org